All of our paths are so unique, right? I see more and more there are two broad categories of conditioning: through our lives, we are either taught to blame ourselves for any wrongdoings of our world (and so we become our own worst enemies), or we learn to blame everything external for our problems (“I can’t do this, but it’s not my fault. Look what I’m dealing with. Look at how little time I have.” etc). These are two equally unconscious avenues of living, but the manifested reactions make the faces of our issues seem totally unrelated… What I’m seeing more and more is the heart of our pain is actually the same: deep-steeped not enough-ness right now spewing from a culture-wide deep-rooted deficit of self love, acceptance, and appreciation. When this is the belief under all the layers of awareness, we live and breathe the falsehoods that we have somewhere to get to, there is some greater version for us to become, some life prophecy only to be fulfilled in the perceived future rather than the present, etc. And so, we either blame ourselves for our constant inadequacy and short-comings right now, or we blame our environment for it’s inadequacy to allow us a clear cut path to those things. Defense mechanism mania!
I could write a book (and maybe will someday!) about my experience living as my own worst enemy and how my path toward spiritual awakening has been dense with the release of darkness I had spewed into the depths of my own soul (rather than created in my external world).
Benjamin Smythe speaks of his inner bully which applies to both types of conditioned people in different ways. We all have the inner bully – one who either externalizes anger and blame or who internalizes it. His words led me to a much deeper realization about myself. He says:
“The minute you turn towards your inner bully and love it, it’ll become louder and it’ll become worse… So have the courage to love something that is just totally terrified. It’s terrified. It doesn’t know who it’ll be. It doesn’t know how it’s going to get out of here alive.”
Since I decided to dedicate my energy and life to this “Self-Love Quest”, my inner bully has been getting louder; much, much louder. I have to learn to look at her as if she is a scared child because that’s truly all she is.
I came here – to earth – to partake in creation and to reawaken to mySelf through this game called Life. My inner bully is a small fraction of the experience. But where there is light, there is shadow. She will always be with me. And I must have the courage to love her – to love something that is totally and completely terrified by nature; to love the last person on earth who I could ever imagine loving. This is the greatest challenge for us all: to love the one part of us that is the source of our pain, but which we cannot get away from. The more we run – the more we act in belief of it’s reality – the stronger it gets. And the more we love it, the louder it gets… Just as someone who feels broken and believes themselves to be unlovable pushes and thrashes about when you hug them and usher them into a sacred space of love.
To be truly loved unconditionally when you believe you are unworthy of it can ironically yield the most instantaneous unbearable pain. Because that love goes against everything you have taught yourself – it shows you to all the lies your bully took from the world, has repeated over and over to you, and that you’ve believed… It shows you that under all external layers, this is the one and only source of pain, and the emotion of that realization is overwhelming to say the least… The “injustice” of waking up to this truth can be completely life-shattering. It shows us that nothing in this life is “fair” the way we believe it should be… but when we are ready, we see it is meant to be the way it is. Your bully knows that once it is loved, it will no longer exist as the bully – and it doesn’t know who else it could be, how else to exist. So it thrashes about and gets louder and louder when it knows your love is closing in on it. The closer you get to loving yourself, the worse everything seems to become, the heavier your reality seems to be. And yet, you must continue on: closing in on yourself.
Because you know you are worthy. You know it underneath all that pain and injustice. I realized through this path that the only person’s love whom I felt unworthy of for my entire life has been my own. I was lucky enough to avoid being preached the “nobody could ever love you; you are unlovable” spiel. But nonetheless, I’ve dedicated all of my life, all of my energy, all of my love to all of the beautiful people around me. Now I see that the only injustice in my life has been the lack of love for myself – the blinders I put on because this is what I was taught to do: the ones that blind me to myself, to my own worthiness…to the source of love and happiness that is always within me and only me.
We are trained to look around us for love and validation – this must end. We are trained to compare and compete and take down and battle one another and ourselves – this must end. We all have this terrified shadow self following in the footsteps of our light. We are trained to forget we have any light at all – this must end. Here on earth there will always be injustice where there is justice; as there will always be storm where there is sea, tornado with air, inferno with fire, earthquakes with solid ground, and hate tangled up in love…
The more we love the darkest parts of ourselves, the louder those parts get. But they never get stronger… they get louder because they are afraid and pained: but that loudness is always the signal that the peace of silence is nearing closer. As we close in on ourselves – as we revive ourselves with our own unconditional love – we free ourselves from the illusions of this world.
We slowly, steadily stumble awake.
Namaste, Luna (Laura) Marie