Offering Up My Candy

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Within the past six months or so, I’ve reached a point along my journey inward where my communication with the Universe/God is very direct: in both directions.

I have found I am comforted and simultaneously petrified as I’ve gotten to see blatantly: I am not the only one working on me and chipping away at the layers of identities I created. There is a being – a part of me – that is infinitely more aware than I am in this body.

Anytime I have thought I need something in order to be happy, it is either simply not given to me or actually taken away…

Naturally, my mind’s initial reaction is to shut down shop, to feel somewhat betrayed by Life, and to ask endless questions like why the heck is this not happening?! I’m begging you, Higher Dude or Dudet of Wisdom, have some compassion and give me what I need please…… Ok come on, I said please…… how about now?!

I’ll give you an M&M … hm. you must prefer skittles……. OH I KNOW! A sundae? With a tootsie-pop on top?

Immediately this image of an old guy wearing a halloween costume-style wizard hat sitting in the whole lotus-zen mode comes to mind… one eyebrow shifts upward as he seems to chuckle and mock my mind’s incessant pleads.

Yea, yea. I know, your holiness. You know much better than I do. But this kinda sucks.

I’m very aware at this point that this is the voice of small me: the one that feels separate and disconnected from the Divine within myself and all that surrounds me. It’s the voice who questions that I have any creative power in my life at all. It’s the one who historically mutters those horribly false words: I am not enough.

At this point in my journey, this voice is somewhat easily exposed in the clarity of my inner world. It’s sometimes so obvious – like the voice shows up as a giant black flag suddenly propelled into the sky in a barren field of peaceful pastels.

And so, after I offer up all my candy in exchange for happiness (like any normal human), I am forced to intentionally choose to see the purpose in each moment.

Then, I climb all the way up the flagpole, dismantle the black flag, wrap it around me to carry it down, and finally remove it from my body, light it on fire, and watch it’s colors flee and turn to a glowing light. In those flames, I release the voice and gently tug away it’s power to speak.

Although I’m entirely exhausted after all of this hard work, I find the pastels of my inner world once again filling my senses and attention with deep freeing presence and acceptance. Stillness. Joy. Bliss.

I come to this space of total acceptance and peace within myself where nothing in my external reality matters. I realize over and over again the truth that I am my only source of lasting happiness. I choose it for myself. It does not lie within the achievement of a goal, any situation, or from a person in my life. Only now.

The shear irony of all of these experiences lately is that once I have reached this place of acceptance, I am suddenly given what I wanted in the first place. Except after all of that, I’m no longer attached to it. I’ve shed of all the “should be’s” and “needs” and every trace of the mentality that my happiness is contingent upon x, y, or z. And so, I have this new ability to say yes or no to the opportunity and understand on a much deeper level whether it will truly serve me or only be a temporary fix.

How cool is that? Don’t get me wrong. I know it may not be a super fun whirlwind: it’s a hell of a lot of work to go from feeling betrayed by the Universe to totally releasing all desire and abandoning external quests for happiness… to then be offered what I wanted in the first place. It could seem totally pointless and endlessly frustrating: like Life is always working against me. Or, I can choose to take on the mind-blowing perspective that absolutely nothing is coincidence. That wizardy-dude is really the more aware Divine me who is infinitely involved in my life.

And so, I stumble into the truth that every moment of my life is meant to grow me into the freest, most loving version of mySelf. I am challenged constantly to shed the layers of need and desire until they no longer exist within me. Peace. Clarity. Love.

My only question to myself and to you is this: Do you want to participate in the challenging process of your growth where the only product of your labor is eternal happiness and love?

All we ever need is within each of us. We just have to learn to look. Listen. Express, and be expressed. Change, and be changed. Love, and be loved.

Namaste, Laura (Luna) Marie XO

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6 thoughts on “Offering Up My Candy

  1. Excellent thoughts Laura.. And yes the doubt will creep in often. But we can step up to the challenges we face.. And learning to go within and shed the layers we have built up around us as a protective shield is the only place we start..

    Going within and dismantling what often we have been taught and brought up with is not easy..
    We need to nurture ourselves and be patient when we fall down over another obstacle laid before us..

    But with practice and perseverance we walk our newly forged path.. One step at a time…
    There will be times when we feel we can run, and there will be times when we take two steps backward for every step forward..
    But keep the faith within.. And know Change starts within and it all comes from that point of LOVE..

    Peace and Love and sending many blessings to you
    Sue <3

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sue, my heart is singing. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful thoughts – your words mean the world to me. Always humbled and growing… and certainly still learning to nurture myself with love and compassion through it all <3

      Liked by 1 person

      • Laura if you had read a few posts of my own recently you would see we all at times feel the pain and sorrow of life from the world.. And I too need reminders like yours that set us back upon our paths.. Love and Hugs and so pleased you are Singing! :-) <3 :-D

        Liked by 1 person

        • Ah yes – had just clicked on your page to do just that… my work recently became much more demanding and so I have not spent any where near as much time reading here as I have been wanting to! Much needed renewal time comes with many important reminders now <3 <3 XO

          Liked by 1 person

          • We spend the majority of our time in demanding jobs Laura, Sometimes we have to remember the ME time.. and allow ourselves some nurturing time.. Blog land then becomes second… Because the most important person is YOU..
            Take care of you.. and lovely to have called by today xx <3 Sue

            Liked by 1 person

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